my boss is mad at me

i've been waiting months for this and here it is.  i totally deserve it and it could have easily been avoided.  but i let it happen and now i've put him in a bad - or at least awkward - position with his boss.

i rationalize by telling myself he should have known, that it's his own fault.  he should have been more involved in my area and let me be more involved in decisions that affect my area.  he should have asked questions, read reports more closely, been more aware of how this place runs.

but really, i should have just told him when i realized it back in the spring.

and why didn't i?  because i didn't fully understand it.  because i have trouble figuring out what's important and what's just a blip on the radar.  because i felt like it was my fault.  because i thought he'd be mad at me. 

because i was afraid. 

my coworkers down the hall wouldn't have been afraid.  one would have alerted him at the first sign of trouble and nagged him until he did something about it.  another wouldn't have understood that there was a problem until the 11th hour and then would have successfully deflected the blame.  but i couldn't do either.

why am i such a coward?

part of it is reluctance to ask for help.  is that from ego?  not wanting to admit that i don't understand?  part of it is fear of making someone mad or unhappy.  especially making someone mad.  that's gotta be from my childhood, i've felt that way forever.  part of it is feeling that if i ignore it, it'll go away.  that's happened many, many times in the past.  and it's still a pretty effective strategy, just not in this instance. 

and what did i do when he finally found out?

i maintained eye contact with my boss when he asked me about it.  i didn't get emotional, although i did start to turn red.  i kept my voice calm and level and talked a bit about the problem, although he wasn't listening at that point.  i nodded when he talked.  his voice beginning to raise, tossing off a couple of f-bombs (but not at me), pacing in my office, putting up his hands and then dropping them.

so now i wait.

as tempted as i am to go down that familiar path of doom and picture myself unemployable and then homeless in less than a year, i'm resisting.  which is utterly surprising. i know i won't be fired.  it's a big deal but not THAT big a deal.  i'll have to explain the situation and my actions or lack thereof.  i'll stutter and stumble and not make much sense.  in the end, my boss will figure out a way to spin it.  maybe it's not even as big a deal as i now think.  my boss will have less confidence in me, his boss too.  i don't blame them.  for cripes sake, i have no excuse!  maybe other folks here will hear something and also look at me differently.  i'll tell myself i REALLY have to get my act together this time.  and i'll do that.  because he'll be watching me.

so is that what i wanted all along?  some attention?  some boundaries?  some feedback, even if it's negative?  that sounds like it's from my childhood too.  the child is the father of the man, right?  i need a do-over.