witch's woods vs. romeo & juliet

I’m recovering from a visit last night to Witch’s Woods, a Halloween amusement park with haunted houses, a haunted hay ride, haunted pumpkin patch, etc.  How was it?  It was all right.  A few laughs, a few screams.  But a whole lot of work.

See what I really want to do is go to a production of “Romeo & Juliet”.  Because I’m a nerd.  Which is the self-deprecating way of saying I’m smart and I prefer learning to fun.  Which is a harsh way of saying I’m more comfortable in an intellectual setting, a museum, a play, an opera, watching a documentary, than doing the fun things that my friends want to do, like going to Witch’s Woods.  Which is another way of saying either a) I’ve out-grown them or b) I’ve forgotten how to have fun.

I think there’s truth in both statements.  That’s what I’m trying to navigate these days.

I love my friends.  Three I’ve know since first grade, one since college.  Two are willing to do stuff with me.  One went to an opera a few years ago.  The other went to a museum.  The other two prefer Witch’s Woods.  And they had a blast last night.  I mean they seriously had the time of their lives.  I might have too.  Long ago.  After having some drinks or something.  But I hardly drink now and haven’t smoked pot in years.  So it’s harder to relax and be open to stuff like Witch’s Woods.

But I did manage to have some fun.  I made a concerted effort not to be a bummer and tried to keep that bored/annoyed/this-is-so-stupid look off my face.  And let me tell you, it was exhausting.  Even in a light drizzle, we had to wait in line for 20-25 minutes for each attraction.  The ghouls and zombies who jumped out at us in the haunted houses were pretty good but I could see them coming and then see them sitting back down waiting for the next group.  I just couldn’t get into it.  But I put up a good front, if only so that my friends wouldn’t think I was a complete jerk and not want to hang out with me anymore.  I have a small enough circle as it is.

It’s hard to make new friends as an adult.  Especially when you don’t have kids.  I make work friends but we don’t do anything outside the office.  I’ve met people at the dog park but I know more about their dogs than them.  I occasionally meet a friend of a friend who seems cool but there are protocols about going over the friend’s head to hang out with their friend.

I think of my sisters and friends with kids who have instant hang partners when they want to do something.  Want to go shopping?  My sister goes with her twenty-something daughters.  Want to put up the Christmas tree?  My other sister gets her thirty-something son to help her.  Want to get an ice cream?  My friend takes her 8 year old twins. 

When I want to do something, I have to send out a mass email to everyone I know and hope that someone replies.  And also hope that it’s one of the someones that I really want to reply.  Oh I have my significant other, but he’s no fun either.

I just sent out an email about Romeo & Juliet.  I even offered to pay.  Yes, I’m willing to pay people to hang out with me.  I’m hoping that one of my sisters or a particular friend of the family will want to go.  Otherwise, I either go by myself or try Meet-ups, an online non-romantic activity website where you meet up with like-minded folks and do something together.  Am I reduced to soliciting friendship online?  Yes, I believe I am.

my boss is mad at me

i've been waiting months for this and here it is.  i totally deserve it and it could have easily been avoided.  but i let it happen and now i've put him in a bad - or at least awkward - position with his boss.

i rationalize by telling myself he should have known, that it's his own fault.  he should have been more involved in my area and let me be more involved in decisions that affect my area.  he should have asked questions, read reports more closely, been more aware of how this place runs.

but really, i should have just told him when i realized it back in the spring.

and why didn't i?  because i didn't fully understand it.  because i have trouble figuring out what's important and what's just a blip on the radar.  because i felt like it was my fault.  because i thought he'd be mad at me. 

because i was afraid. 

my coworkers down the hall wouldn't have been afraid.  one would have alerted him at the first sign of trouble and nagged him until he did something about it.  another wouldn't have understood that there was a problem until the 11th hour and then would have successfully deflected the blame.  but i couldn't do either.

why am i such a coward?

part of it is reluctance to ask for help.  is that from ego?  not wanting to admit that i don't understand?  part of it is fear of making someone mad or unhappy.  especially making someone mad.  that's gotta be from my childhood, i've felt that way forever.  part of it is feeling that if i ignore it, it'll go away.  that's happened many, many times in the past.  and it's still a pretty effective strategy, just not in this instance. 

and what did i do when he finally found out?

i maintained eye contact with my boss when he asked me about it.  i didn't get emotional, although i did start to turn red.  i kept my voice calm and level and talked a bit about the problem, although he wasn't listening at that point.  i nodded when he talked.  his voice beginning to raise, tossing off a couple of f-bombs (but not at me), pacing in my office, putting up his hands and then dropping them.

so now i wait.

as tempted as i am to go down that familiar path of doom and picture myself unemployable and then homeless in less than a year, i'm resisting.  which is utterly surprising. i know i won't be fired.  it's a big deal but not THAT big a deal.  i'll have to explain the situation and my actions or lack thereof.  i'll stutter and stumble and not make much sense.  in the end, my boss will figure out a way to spin it.  maybe it's not even as big a deal as i now think.  my boss will have less confidence in me, his boss too.  i don't blame them.  for cripes sake, i have no excuse!  maybe other folks here will hear something and also look at me differently.  i'll tell myself i REALLY have to get my act together this time.  and i'll do that.  because he'll be watching me.

so is that what i wanted all along?  some attention?  some boundaries?  some feedback, even if it's negative?  that sounds like it's from my childhood too.  the child is the father of the man, right?  i need a do-over.